Thursday Morning

Talked to mom this morning.  Eric had just called her, as well.   Had a good night.   Said there weren't any more issues after dad got out of the shower last night.    She sounded tired, and I told her so.  She said Eric said the same thing.  She isn't tired, but she feels mind weary and that must show in her voice.   Yeah, weary is a good word to describe how she sounded.   She said after dad's shower last night, he just sat on the couch and stared at the floor with his shoulders slumped over.   He looked so dejected, and it broke her heart.  Told her we can't assume he felt dejected, he may have been tired, or just staring.  I see where she is coming from, and feel so badly for her.   Will call her later today.

Wednesday Shower Night - Or is it?

So, just thinking I should call mom and Eric called me.   He had just gotten home from work, and mom called him.  Said she couldn't get dad in the shower, and he was stinky and smelly.  Running around half naked and refused to get in the shower, and she had been been trying for an hour.  So, Eric started over.   When he was about a mile away, mom called him and said she got him in.   She told dad that Eric was on his way to put him in the shower.  Guess he got in then.  Eric was on his way back home. I called mom, and dad was still in the shower.  Guess Eric had asked her if he used soap, and mom was quite sure he did.   But, she went in and asked dad if he was using soap.  Dad told her no.  She told him to get the soap and washcloth out and use it.  AND, she told him, "You make sure you wash that tallywacker too, 'cuz you smell!"  Mom said dad looked at her and laughed, but did start washing.  Mom was in a good mood, and seemed to be handling things well.   She is hoping the rest of the evening will be better.   I bet Eric hopes for that, too.

Tuesday night @ Chuck n' Shirls

Stopped by after work tonight. Got there a little after 5 pm. I was glad to see that Danny Love had been plowing the driveway and shoveling the front walk. I walked in and found Dad in his usual place, sleeping. Mom was in the kitchen getting dinner ready. She was making a tune casserol. I sat down and started helping her with her puzzle that she has set out. She said that I should wake Dad up so I could talk to him. I said no and to let him sleep. I don't think she understands that. Why wake him? After a half an hour or so I could her hear her in there saying, "You need to wake up Charles, and talk to Eric." Grrrrrrrr! I went into the front room and sat next to Dad. We started talking about planes, and we looked through a couple of the books he has there on the  coffee table. He remembers working on the F-16, and the B-58, but no other planes. He asked me if I had my licence to fly. I said no, and asked him if he ever had one. He said that they took it away from him. I asked why would they do that? He told me becuase her "erped" I said, erped? "You mean burp? No, erp. He said that with a grin. The old Chuck showed up there for a minute. I ased him if he remembers saying "foop" whenever he burped. He said no, but he did remember saying "erp". Pretty dang funny. I stayed about an hour and a half. As I was leaving I wrapped my arms around dad from behind and he flexed. He's still got some strength there. I did it again, and tried to pin his arms back. He fought back and had that grin on his face just like he did when I was young and we'd wrestle. It brought back a lot of memories. I gave mom a hug too. She seemed pretty good tonight. She said that they had a good day. Her casserol was done. She had me taste it. Yummy.....I guess. I told her it was excellent, and I told Dad he better eat it all. He said he would, and he reached over and gave mom a pat on her shoulder, and then wrpaped an arm around her. It was a good night. Dad actually walked me to the front door. He started to follow me outside, but I told him it was too cold. He said, ok, and that he would shut the door behind me, which he did.

Tuesday Morning Update

Talked with mom last night about 8:30.   Dad slept most of yesterday.  As Eric said, probably tired from looking for "that guy" the night before.   She said he did get pretty test last night.   She took his pill out to take, and he didn't want to take it.   Yelled at her.   Just talked to her and the night was good, dad was just getting out of the shower.   So far, so good, but she sounds tired.   Said she woke up at 2:00 this morning, started thinking about everything, and couldn't get back to sleep.   Will call her later this afternoon.

Monday Morning

Talked to mom just a few minutes ago.   Guess around 2:30-3:00 a.m. this morning, she heard the doorbell ring.   These are are bells that Fred installed a few weeks agao. She found dad had opened the door and was looking out the screen door.  Hadn't stepped outside yet.   He kept saying, "Need to see where he went".   Mom coaxed him back to bed without any conflict, and they slept until almost 8:00.  She sounded pretty good.  Now, she is worried about what will happen if the call for dad comes when Eric is in China, and Fred will be somewhere.   Told her that first, dad will be in there before the end of February.  Secondly, we have plenty of people that can help unload the heavy stuff in getting the room ready.   She worries about all this - told her not to worry about any of this - we have it covered.   As Trent said, I think she is ready to make the move, and seems to be in a good spot.  At least, for now.   Will call her later today.

Weekend Conversations

I spent some time on the phone with Shirl Saturday & Sunday night. I was pleased that She seemed to be in a good mood both times. She told me that She has tried to maintain a more common sense attitude to everything that his happening in her world right now, and that has helped her to realize what the smartest things are to do now. She is still very concerned about how Pop is gonna react when he gets left at the care place. She is afraid he is going to be angry and resistant about it. I pointed out to her that 85% of the time he does not know where he is now anyway, or who anyone is either. She agreed that was true, then laughed and said that after they were finished with dinner Friday night, Dad said, Well, lets go home now. she chuckled about that and said, so you are right about that. Reminded her that the nice folks there are pro's at handling these things and they will  take good care of him, which she agreed with.

We talked about how he is sometimes not making it to the bathroom in time, and since it just #1 now, she can deal with that. But she was emphatic that if it starts to be #2..she will not be able to deal with that at all.

All in all, the conversations were very positive and she certainly seems to have accepted what needs to be done. She said she will miss him and be lonely but I have a lotta friends to hang with and talk with and appreciated all her family helping with this also. She is very appreciative of Celia and her smarts for getting things done effeciently and helping her figure things out about the $$, insurance, and legal stuff. As we all are!!!

I think she is ready to move to the next step, which is taking that phone call about the room being available. She says she knows what needs to be done when that call comes.

Big Step on Friday

Whew - big step today.   Took mom to Chancellor, and she put a deposit down on a room for dad.  This gets him officially on the waiting list, and he is 2nd or 3rd down.  However, things change all the time.  I will be surprised if she does not get a phone call from them within 1 week to 10 days.   When they do call, she can say no, and they will keep him on the list.   If she says yes, we have 2 weeks to get his room ready and get him there.   We then went back to the memory care unit again, and looked at a room.   The first time we were there was such a blur, she wanted to see it again.  Mom had tears in her eyes when she wrote out the check, and I really had a hard time not losing it right there.   The people there are so nice.  We talked with Tammy today - Abby's counterpart.  She told mom that when the patients first get there, they do everything possible to distract them, yet allow them time to adjust.  Mom is really worried about how dad will react.  Tammy also told her that once dad gets settled, she can spend as much time as she wants with him.  Even spend the night once in awhile, if she would like.   .  I  did tell her that when they call, to tell them she will talk to her kids and call them back.   Also told her to prepare herself, because she WILL get a phone call, we just don't know when.   If she says no, she may need to wait another month before a room becomes available.

We also went to the insurance guy to discuss dad's policy.   The day dad goes in, I will need to notify them, so they can get the paperwork going and the 90 day out of pocket begins.   Mom will get a packet in the mail, and will need to complete it, as well as getting a doc's signature, attesting that dad does have cognitive impairment.

We went to lunch, and started talking about what Trent brought up - that dad probably started with his symptoms in the 1990's, and we just didn't know to even think of anything then.  She agrees.  Said as she has thought about things, she can remember a few instances where she wondered if he was OK.  Nothing drastic, but some signs were definitely there.  

She does still think that the herbal pills have been helping dad and his moods, although he hasn't taken any for the last 3 days, as they are out.  Told her it's possible, although I think the reason he is not as agitated, is that she has changed her approach and tone with him.   Since we have started working on all of this, I have definitely noticed a difference.   I am sure that has something to do with the things, along with who knows what else, other than it's just the disease.

Dad was waaaay out of it today.   Fred took him thru the Wendy's drive thru, and they went back to the house to eat.   After he ate, he wandered around the house, and kept asking who the house belonged to.  Fred told him he owned it, and lived there with his wife.  Didn't remember his wife.  Dad also kept mumbling about where the money comes from.  Fred told him he used to work at HAFB, and has a retirement income that comes every month.   He couldn't remember working at the base, but did remember when Fred asked him about working on  F16 projects.  Fred asked him if he knew what an F16 was, and he immediately said plane.   Funny how some of those things come to him, and then nothing on others.  When mom and I got back, I asked dad what the two of them had been doing, and he told me, "chasing women".  He didn't know who either of us was, but said we looked familiar.  When we left, I gave him a kiss and told him I loved him.  It's tough to back out and see that head in the window, and know that it's my dad's body, but not really my dad.  It's going to be hard to pull up one day soon, and not see that head in the window.  I was bawling my eyes out when I looked up again, and realized that today, it had a John Deere hat on top of it.  This made me smile - happy memories. Love my Pops!

Thursday

Thursday appointments have been rescheduled for Friday, due to the freezing rain in SLC.  Talked with mom this morning - all was quiet.

Wednesday Morning Update

Ugh.  Talked to mom this morning.  Good night, no problems this morning.   Said she is really thinking dad is getting better and turning around.  He has been so nice, not mean, and talking more.   Told her this disease does not get better, there is no turn around.   Could it be she is not as tense and quick to react, since she knows things are changing?  Well, maybe, but she doesn't think so.   Said maybe we should wait a few weeks.   Told her we can still get his name on the list, and if we are not ready when they call, we still stay on the list.    She wants so badly to not have to put him anywhere, and it tugs at my heartstrings.    We have a meeting with the insurance guy tomorrow at 11:00, then the assisted living place at 1:30.   I agreed to call her later this afternoon.

***2:30 MST**
Talked to mom.  She had just gotten back from lunch, and was in a great mood.  Dean came down and hung out with dad, and said dad talked a lot.   Mom said, again, we should hold off.   Told her that we need to get on the waiting list.  The money is fully refundable, but at least we are on the list.  She had forgotten that we could do this.   Has had a lot on her mind.
We will get stuff done tomorrow, and then see where the next step leads us.

Tuesday Morning Update

Talked to mom about an hour ago.  Sounds a little better than she did last night at 8:30.  Had a good night, but dad couldn't make it to the bathroom this morning.  He didn't resist getting in the shower, but had no idea how to turn on the shower, much less what to do.   He was in his usual place when I called, dozing.   She said she still can't stop thinking about how he will react when he is taken to Chancellor.  This is driving her absolutely crazy.   Told her we don't really know, and it's going to depend on how he is that day.  He may not put up a fuss at all, or he may really be upset.   Encouraged her to try not to dwell on this, because it's an unknown.  I know it's hard, but let's take things one day at a time.   The day to start worrying about this, is the day we take him there.  She is trying, but having a difficult time.

She made cookies last night.  Knowing that many of us are emotional eaters, I asked her if she ate all of them.  (I certainly would have, in her shoes!)  She laughed a little, said she thought about it.   She sure appreciated everyone's calls yesterday.   Talked with all of us kids, and Anali called, as well.  I think the more we can call and support during this time will really go a long way.  She said this morning how grateful she was for her family.  Doesn't know what she would do without everyone.  Come to think of it, I pretty much feel the same way. 

Still planning on going up Thursday, to get some things started, tie up some paperwork.  Fred is going to hang out with dad while mom and I get some stuff done.   That's going to be a big step - fillingout paperwork and putting down the deposit.  

**12:30 MST.  Just spoke with Tammy at Chancellor.  Mom and I will meet with her at 1:30 on Thursday, to fill out some paperwork and get on the waiting list.  As of today, there are 3 people on the waiting list, but that changes. And, if those 3 people above dad are called and not ready, they go to the next person.   Asked Tammy about how to explain to dad.  She said in most cases, the family brings the patient in, and tells them the doctor thought it would be a good idea for them to stay here for a couple of weeks to see how they do.   She stressed, as did Mary and Abby on Saturday, that it is not a good idea to try and explain anything further or beforehand.  This usually results in agitation at that time, and then the patient forgets by the time admittance comes around.  Will have to continue to stress this with mom.   I think she feels like she needs to say something now.

Monday Evening

Called Mom about 6:30 tonite..She was watchin' the news and Pop was dozing in the chair. She said she was doing pretty well tonight, but is just so worried how Charles is gonna react when all of this goes down. She dosn't want him to be mad, or hurt, and can't bear the thought of him sitting in his room alone with no one there. She said that she knows it is the best thing to do though, and we talked about His possible reactions. He might be confused. He might be pissed off and use the word "damn". He might feel hurt and rejected. Or...He might be just fine! I told her there is a good chance he will be great there and maybe the different enviroment and new friends would give him some much needed mental stimulation. She agreed that it will prob all work out, and when I reminded her that this is what Dad wanted, which is why he set things up the way he did, She agreed that was the way he wanted things alright. When we hung up, Shetold me that She loved me and sure appreciated the phone calls. Told her to let us know if she needed anything.

More thoughts tonite from my melon head: I believe that Pop knew what was coming down the road. I think he could tell that there were going to be issues concerning this when he started slowing down mentally 20 years ago. That's when I started noticing that he was changing. When they would come to visit in Oregon, I remember thinking at the time that He had changed so much since I last saw him. I think the reason he set up the insurance stuff the way he did is because he had a view into the future and wanted it set up so his family, and Shirl, did not have to be burdened with his care if it got to be too advanced to deal with. And he was right. Hard as this is for Mom and us to deal with, it is what he wanted. He just knew.

Monday Update

Whew - Saturday was a very emotional day for all involved.   The emotion does not stop, as mom is really having conflicting thoughts.  She knows that what is happening is the best for dad, but just feels so guilty.  She is really going to need all the thoughts and calls we can give her during this time.

Thursday is the day we will put down the depost at Chancellor and get on the waiting list.  I also hope to meet with the insurance guy, and am waiting for a call back from the stocks dude, to get that ball rolling.  

We are getting together some needed furniture and personal items, so that when they call and tell us there is a room available, we can move.  This is, of course, provided mom is ready to take the most difficult step of her married life.   If we say not yet, we still stay on the waiting list for the next time.

Sunday dinner

Had the folks over agin today. Mom drove over, she insisted, so I didn't argue. Mom seemed a little frustrated when they arrived. I aske her wat was wrong, and she said "oh, just the ususal". Then she got a little teary eyed. She seemed releived to be here. Dad came shuffling in, shoes on the wrong feet and untied, but he seemed alert. Dad ate well, but didn't finish his dinner. He just seemed like he wasn't that hungry. After dinner, they both settled down on the couch, but only Dad had a nap. Mom asked me again if I thought it was the right thing to put Dad in the assisted living. I said yes. It's just like Celia said, she's feeling a little guilty, and thats understandable. Heck, I do too! Anyway, it was very quiet three hours. Mom asked me to get on facebook so she could see everyones pictures. So, I went through most of the family, pulling up pictures of this and that. She really enjoys that. Deb made some lemon squares for dessert. I cut a few up and took them on a plate over to dad. I asked him he wanted some,  he said, "well sure". But, he didn't put out his hand to take he plate. He kept them folded on his lap. So, for the heck of it I put a peice of the lemon square up to his mouth, asking if he wanted a bite. He said yes and opened up and let me feed him. Surprised me. He made no effort to do it on his own. I fed him about three small pieces and he said he was done. Never, ever have I thought my dad would let me feed him! But I also thought that it may not be the last time I do this. I didn't like that thought, but I know that it is a very strong possibility.

It was a good afternoon. They left in good spirits, complaining about the cold. Dad seemed very concerned with Mom as they left. He was very adament about taking her arm and walking her to her side of the car. I haven't seen that too often, but it was sure good to see. Mom seemed to enjoy that attention. I told her I would call her later. I love those two!

Last Sat Nite

Kinda late posting this.  I had a long talk with Mom last night about 8pm.  She was watching Lawrence Welk and Pop was asleep on the couch. We talked about how She feels She is betraying her husband of 62 years by not telling him about what we are planning for his future. Hopefully I got her to understand that the way things are right now, telling him will accomplish nothing and may make things worse, if he even understands it to start with, which he most likely wont.. She is afraid he is going to be mad and really confused when he has to move into a strange home and she feels so guilty about doing this. But,,she knows it is the right thing to do. We talked about how it is as important for her own safety and stress control as it is for his, and she sez she understands that part of it. Got her to understand that she has to look at the whole picture, which also includes her quality of life, and not just how Dad will feel about it.


It sounds like she has put a lot of thought into the fact that she will be there alone and actually seems to be fine with that. I told her I worried about her being there alone in that big house, and maybe you have a girlfriend or someone that could move in with ya or come and stay sometimes or something. She said she would rather be by herself than have to deal with someone else's issues too. So, I got the impression that she has come to terms with what needs to be done but she is still just feelin' guilty about it and feels like she is just dumping her husband off for someone else to deal with.

 She does understand that if Dad gets worse and requires more care like changing diapers or gets physicallly violent, she would not be able to cope with it at all. She cried a little bit, and told me how much she appreciated all us kids helping her deal with this, visiting, and calling her all the time. We all need to keep doing that beacuse it is a source of comfort to her and a chance for her to vent and discuss her thoughts too. She really enjoyed the ride up in the mountains to see the blue sky.
 I am going to call her again tonite too.

Saturday Lunch

Took dad to lunch today at Chancellor.  Big portions - he certainly won't starve there.  It wasn't bad, not gourmet, but acceptable.   Everything was fairly soft, which makes sense. Lunch is the biggest meal, and they get snacks between all 3 meals.   We ate in the private dining room, because there wasn't enough room for everyone where dad will be eating.   Everyone is really nice there, very personable, and that makes things just a little bit easier.

We will get a deposit to them next week, which allows us to be on the waiting list.   They have an opening now, but we wouldn't be ready to move him in this week, anyway.  Mom will be working on getting his clothes labeled, and picking up some new undies and pajamas.   We will get together some furniture so he can be comfy, and will bring photos, his model planes, etc., so he has some of his stuff around him.  We may be on a waiting list for a few days, or a few weeks.   It varies.  If they call us, and we are not ready, we still stay on the waiting list.

We have a lot to do in the next little bit so we can be prepared.  Mom is feeling guilty, understandably.  Said she wished she could do better at taking care of him.  I told her that things are at a point, that it wouldn't matter who was his caretaker - he needs to be somewhere safer.   She is going to have a huge adjustment, but I honestly think that after things settle down, she will do better.  Mary, the nurse, did say that the first few weeks may be difficult.  Sometimes, the family needs to stay away for a bit to give the patient time to adjust.  Sometimes, there aren't any problems.   I told Mary that when the time actually comes to move him, we are going to need some help on how to tell him.  She said that most of the time, it's best if they don't know much ahead of time.  I told mom not to say anything to him at all, so I hope she doesn't.  Stressed to her that there is no reason to say anything at this point.  She feels guilty that we have to do all of this behind his back.   Told her I know, but think about how confused he would be if something was said right now.  She said she wouldn't say anything.

This is tough - for everyone.   My heart hurts for my mom, because she is going to be separated from her best friend of 62 years.   My heart hurts for my dad, because he isn't my dad anymore, and he just wants to pass on.  I can't even imagine what goes on in his head.  Once in awhile, he gets a glimmer of the old Chuck in his eyes.  It's there very briefly, and then is replaced with a confused and sometimes, irritated look.   The last few days have been better days, and I want to cry when my mom says, "maybe he is turning around."  She knows he isn't, but always has that little piece of hope.   If I was in her shoes after 62 years, I may want to hold onto that little piece of hope.  

Kind of funny/sad story:  Mom said she made popcorn last night.  Dad came and sat by her, and just starting eating some.  She said it was pleasant, and commented he has been very nice the last few days.  That's when we talked about the pattern of nice/not so nice, and that he isn't making a turn around.   Then mom said, "Wait  a minute.  He did tell me to shut up once or twice."  This morning, he slapped his fist against his hand a few times, when he was irritated about having to change twice - put  his undies and his clothes on backwards.

I rest my case.   Not easy, but no other alternative at this time.

Friday Morning

Talked to mom.  Decent night - dad was up a lot, but no accidents.  She said he has been so nice, she doesn't know what to think. Is he turning around?   Told her no, it's part of the disease.  Good/nice some days, then not so good most others.  Its been the pattern, and as much as we would like him to have a turn around, we'd be fooling ourselves if we believe that will happen.   She said, "yeah, I guess".  Ugh.  We didn't talk long, told her I would call her tonight.   She is looking forward to lunch tomorrow.  

Policy Update

Talked with the insurance guy today. He confirmed dad's long term policy is still in place and the benefits that go with it.   Until we take the next big step, really nothing else he can do. However, he is going to begin a file with all the paperwork. He did stay it is possible we can get medicare to pay for some of the out of pocket, so when I know more about when I will be up north next week, I can call him and we can get together to go through all of that.   Good to hear.  Talked to mom, said the day has been ok.  Dad has been sleeping most of the day.  

Wednesday Evening Update

Toured Legacy this afternoon - nope.   It is nice, clean, but dark.   The other place has high ceilings, is more open, and has a more home like feel.   Walked through the Alz units, and they were about the same size as the other place.  Just didn't feel like it would be a good place.  It is also waaay more than Chancellor.   They have inclusive rate which includes personal care, food, and medication management.  If we went here, we would end up paying close to $1500.00 out of pocket...AFTER insurance.  After speaking with Abby at Chancellor today, we would end up paying about $800.00 out of pocket/after insurance.  

Eric, the folks, and I are going to lunch at Chancellor on Saturday.   When I talked with Abby today, she gave me the run down on what the nurse thought dad's level of care would be, which is that additional $800.00.  This includes medication management, personal hygiene care, and laundry once a week.  After they are in there for about 30 days, they re-evaluate the care level.  Sometimes, they don't need as much after they are settled in. Other times, they need more.  Varies.  Oh yeah, Abby said that once they are admitted, the family may need to let him settle in, and not visit for a few days to a week or so.   Seems to be a normal adjustment period for Alz people.

They do have a waiting list now, but that changes all the time.  I told Abby I would let her know next week if we wanted to be on the waiting list and drop a check by, if that is what is decided.

When Fred was up putting on the door sensors today, he talked with Dean a long time about dad.  Dean said he would definitely think that dad would just wander out and off one day.  When Dean has been there, he has had to stop dad from going out and just wandering around in the cold.  This is part of  losing sense of everything - inhibitions, cold, hunger.   By the way, Fred said Dean has a horrible chest cold - deep, deep cough.   Sounded and looked awful.   Fred suggested he get to a doctor, since there is a lot of crap going around.  "No, just honey and vinegar, Fred."

Talked to mom tonight.  Gave her the rundown on the above, both facilites.   While I was there, the agent of the long term care insurance (and other insurance) called mom.  He was on my list to call, so we set up an appointment for me to call him tomorrow afternoon.   I need to let him know what we are doing, so he can at least start getting paperwork ready.  Told mom that although I know this is difficult, we need to let Chancellor know what we are doing by next week.   If/Once the decision is made, we are going to need to get ready for when they call.  Bed, furniture, linens, towels, etc.   And, I need to know what to tell the insurance dude, and give Bart Williams the go ahead to sell some stocks, and let him know how much we will need each month.  She knows, and is feeling guilty.  Told her that is normal, but the guilt can't be the thing that prevents her from moving him.  Her safety, her health, and dad's health is what we need to keep in mind.  Yes, she talked with Carolyn, (another friend, she seems to have lots of girlfriends!).  She had a friend who was taking care of her husband at home, and she ended up having a heart attack one day.   The stress had become overwhelming, and it took it's toll.  There was an adjustment period, but she is now doing well, as is her husband.

While I was there, dad wandered around a bit.   Asked me if I knew the score of the game, and I told him I hadn't heard yet.   He sat back down in his usual spot and slept.  When I left, I kissed his cute forehead and told him I loved him.  He mumbled. There is nothing easy at all about any of this.   This tears my heart out, and I can only imagine what it is doing to mom.  I backed out, saw that head in the window and mom waving, and I cried most of the way home.

Wednesday Update

Just talked to mom.  Good night, but the morning has been horrible.   Dad woke up wet, so mom was helping him get in the shower.   He was was swearing at her, said he didn't understand why he has to take the damn shower.   Asked her how much it was going to cost him.   Mom said she remained really calm and explained that he needed to be clean, it would help feel better.  Guess he slapped his hand with his fist and told her to hell with it.   He did get undressed, and then climbed in the shower with his towel around his waist.   Mom was good, but said she has had it. She is afraid he is doing to hit her.   She spoke with her friend, Carolyn last night.   Carolyn had gone to a some sort of service with her friends, and the pastor was talking about his mom, her Alz, and his realization she needed to be placed somewhere that would be better for her.   He was helping his mom, nothing really difficult, and out of nowhere, she slapped his face.   He knew then, that he had held onto her too long.  Mom said she needs to let go.   She has done a lot of thinking and feels that dad will be better off.   Told her to hang in there, and Fred will be up this afternon to pu the bells on the doors.  

More Info from Assessment

Fred is going up tomorrow to install the bells on the doors tomorrow.   That is the number one priority, because if dad decides to wander in this weather, he wouldn't last long.   A couple of things from today,via Fred:
He said the house smelled strongly like pee.   Dad fell asleep halfway through the conversation.  The nurse asked if he felt physical therapy would help dad with his weakness.  Come to find out, dad still does his exercises every morning.  Didn't know this.   That is probably why he is in such good shape physically, other than the wobbling.  The nurse said the Alz patients often respond well to physical therapy, because it stimulates them, and they are not just sitting.   Dad's blood pressure and heart rate are all in good shape.   Mom told the nurse several times, that "I don't think I can take this anymore".  Fred said mom was not upset or on edge, just very matter of fact.  In fact, he said mom seemed to be more engaged on top of things than she has in along time.  Dad didn't know Fred, said he looked familiar but he couldn't place him.  Fred told him he was married to his daughter, Celia.  Dad said it didn't sound familiar.  I remember when we met with the people at Chancellor, they said we could bring dad in anytime. I talked to mom tonight, and proposed we take dad to lunch on Saturday.  She is open to it. I will also stop by Legacy on Saturday morning, and see what they have to offer.  I am looking at all sides here, dad may do much better in a facility.   He has no stimulation, and they have activities and physical therapy available.   He would get 3 good meals a day, as well as snacks.  And, if he decides to wander, he can't wander off and get lost in a snow bank somewhere.  When I talked to mom tonight, she said she doesn't really think dad went outside last night.  Still insists he wouldn't.  Reminded her that he has done a lot of things that he wouldn't have done, so we can't keep telling ourselves this.   It bothered her that dad didn't know Fred.  She asked if it bothered Fred.  Told her no, Fred, as do all of us, understand that this isn't dad, it's the disease.   Then, she said, "I wish I could look at it that way."  Ugh.  She was calm tonight, said she has some thinking to do.   Dad has slept most of the day on the couch, and she said she wasn't going to do anything tonight that would antagonize him.  I told her that when she talks to him tonight, keep it simple, to avoid more confusion/frustration.  Then, she said she may get out the Sorry game, maybe it will help him.   Told her I would think that would create more confusion - keeping track of the counting and everything.  She agreed that even when they played over a year ago, dad would get confused then.  So, probably not a good idea.  Told her to just keep things as they are, just don't pester him and give him so many choices.  She said she would.  So, that's it.  
Eric, if you are up for lunch on Saturday, let me know.  
I will keep everyone posted once I make some phone calls tomorrow.

Assessment Day

Today was the assesement at 10:00

 

First – dad was up wandering last night.   Mom woke up and he was gone.  She looked all over the house, and the doors were unlocked.  She called him, and he was in the back bedroom on top of the bed, with pillows on him.  Shivering, ‘cuz they shut off the vents back there.   She had no idea how long he had been there.  Got him back to bed.   This morning, she got him up around 7:00, and he had wet himself.   Was in a good mood, though.

The assessment went well, in that the nurse said he was a good candidate for their facility, and would take him now.  Whether we get on the waiting list is entirely up the family – they don’t make that decision.  Whether he goes to Chancellor, or another location, that is up the family.   I had told mom, and even discussed it with her again, to make a list of all of his medication, including vitamins and herbs.  She hadn’t, so that took some time for her round things up.   They told the nurse about last night, and she said there are bells that we can set up inside, and they will go off if the door is opened.  Fred was actually going to Home Deport on the way home to get these.  We will get them installed by this weekend.  The nurse asked dad if he new what day and month it was – he didn’t know.   She asked what city he lived in – didn’t know. She asked what state – he said Idaho.  Fred said he carried on a few conversations, and rambled a little, but not bad.   He said mom was actually pretty good, considering what happened last night.   Oh yeah, mom did say this morning that dad would never go outside in this cold.  Told her that we can’t think that – he is doing things he would never do now, and doesn’t have the presence of mind to realize it.   Fred reiterated this to her, as well.  Fred did say mom seemed “relieved” when the nurse said he was a good candidate for them.  

 

Talked with Mom, and and she said she thought it was good.  She has mixed feelings, and has some thinking to do.  Told her to think about things realistically, and she said she has been.  I will call her tonight, and update here if Fred has any additional info for me, once I get home.  She did say that after the nurse and Fred left, dad told her he had gone outside in the night, but then came back in.  Told her he needed to check on some things.   As Trent said, that sounds just like dad.  Puttering. 

 

 

Sunday Afternoon

Chad and I spent some time up north today.  It was sad - this is probably the worst I have seen dad.   He was really out of it, didn't know who we were at all, and was mumbling a lot.   He didn't eat much at all at dinner, but did tell me that "we need to get working on those things".   Chad was talking (!) with him in the frontroom, and when I walked in there, dad looked at me and said, "That boy talks funny".  Told him I know, he's always been that way.  Mom didn't hear that, and it's probably a good thing.   Mom was pretty good today, just quiet.  We were talking about the assessment on Tuesday, and she wondered what to tell dad.  Told her to tell him that a nurse was coming to talk to them, and see how he is doing.  That's all.   The more detail, the more confused dad will get.   She remarked a few times that she just can't believe we are at this point with dad.  Said if he doesn't get any worse, she can handle it.  Told her she has a hard time handling things now, does she really think she could handle it?  Well, no. I think she is just having a tough time with all of this.  I know we are all having a tough time with it, but I am sure as a spouse, it's even tougher.  Left after a few hours, and things were good.  Dad was asleep on the couch and mom was reading the paper.  Very sad feeling today.

Anniversary Fiesta

We had a good night with Chuck n' Shirl celebrating their anniversary. It didn't start well, but ended fine. Here's the run down.

Me, Deb, and Kash got to mom and dads. Dan Love had been plowing the driveway all day. Thank you Dan! Celia, maybe you should call old Danny Boy up and thank him personally. Chuckle, chuckle. Anyway, as I walked in the door, I could hear mom saying from the bedroom, "It's all charged, now just shave!" I walked down the hall into the bedroom, and dad is standing there holding his electric razor with a very confused look on his face. I could tell right away that he was not doing well......and either was mom. I said, "Dad, you don't need to shave tonight". Mom says, "Oh yea he does"! I say, "Mom, no he doesn't, and he's not going to! Just let me handle him tonight". She rolled her eyes, and left the room. I got dad's coat on, gave mom a hug, letting her cry. I guess dad had been a little mean this afternoon. Mom said that he told her that he should shoot her. Obviously, that upsest her. I reminded her that I would take care of dad tonight. She said, "I'll gladly let you deal with him".

It was snowing pretty hard, and their front step is a sheet of ice. I don't understand why dad never put raingutters on that side of the house! Anyway, we made it down to Garcia's in Layton and got seated. Dad seemed a little confused, but fine. We sat down and I ordered for dad. Mom kept trying to interject, but I gave her the stink eye, saying "Back off". She smiled. She was good with it. She just forgets. Dad had two beef tamales, beans, rice, and a crap load of chips and salsa. I don't think his plate could be any cleaner. Mom did well too. No body parts were eaten  Erica.(I don't think anyway) We told the waiter it was their anniversary, and they came out and let them wear the sombreros, and gave them some ice cream desert. Mom ate 3/4 of it, AFTER she said she was full. Dad enjoyed it too. He went through his usual dozen napkins, in conjuction with his all-important snot rag (Barf). Mom talked a lot about Cafe Rio with Erica and Miss yesterday. She loves Cafe Rio.  I dropped them off at home, and mom was in a much better mood. Told her I'd call her later.

I think it was good for them to get out. Mom was clearly frustrated with dad when I got there. She cried a few times, but I think it was just one of those days. She did mention how much she enjoys, and doesn't know what she would do without everyone, and all the calls and visits. I agree. She really needs those things, especially now.

Thursday Afternoon 

I received my morning call to make sure I was still coming by today. When I arrived Chuck was sound asleep on the couch, deepest sleep I have ever seen him in -that at first I thought maybe he was dead. The front room smelled like urine, not sure if it was Grandpa or coming from the bathroom. I brought Shirley some flowers in celebration of their Anniversary and she was thrilled. After being there for about 10 minutes Chuck woke up and seemed pretty happy, I helped him up and he teeter-tottered over to the kitchen table. Melissa arrived and we ate lunch. Boy oh' boy does Shirl love Cafe Rio (you know Eric used to bring it to them all the time when they lived there-she told me about 5 times) . Grandpa ate quite a bit and I think Shirl was a little disappointed that he ate as much as he did because she wanted to finish his. I was amazed by the way SHE ate that salad, I can see where my Dad and I get our food issues. She commented several times that she was full but she couldn't stop because she loved it so much. She was in love with that salad. I think if she could have she would have married it. I was worried she might accidently eat her arm. Anywho back to Chuck-After Grandpa was done eating he stood up and said thank you for the meal as he teeter-tottered back to his couch. I said no problem, please come again. He fell back asleep right away. After chitchatting for awhile we headed out and Grandpa woke up just in time to say goodbye. We heard the same-leaving so soon? You don't have to go do you? Maybe I should start bringing the boys more often and they can act crazy and then she'll actually be happy were leaving so soon. 

Thursday Morning

Talked to mom late morning.  Said the night was good, but dad was "awful" this morning.  He didn't want to shower, and asked yelled at her, "Why the hell would I do anything for you?"   She was trying not to let this get to her, but said it is really hard.  Kept saying he would never do this, doesn't  know why he is doing it now.   Reminded her he is doing a lot of things he would never do.  This is not Charlie, it is Charlie 2.  Then, she said, "I know that!"  OK.   Anywho, she was looking forward to seeing Erica and Melissa.  

A quiet Wednesday night

Stopped by the parents tonight for about an hour. Mom was just starting to get dinner. It was about 5:15 pm. Not too bad Shirl! Dad was in a good mood, kinda quiet though. He talked to me for a few minutes. Asked if I worked for the government. I was a little more dressed up today, so I might have thrown him off. Didn't notice any smells. Asked mom if he had showered lately, and she said he did yesterday. We sat down and watched the news. Dad seemed pretty interested. He would mumble something now and then, smile about something. He was good. Mom was actually using some of the food that we gave them for christmas, and cooking a pork roast and gravy. When I left, all was good. She's looking forward to Erica bringing lunch tomorrow. She loves eating out. That's about it. A good day right after three bad ones. Yep Celia, you called it.

Zzzzzzzz......

Guess dad has mostly been asleep the last 3 days.   We were up there Sunday, and he slept most of the time.  Yesterday, mom said he slept all day long.  Went to bed at 7:30 last night, and has been sleeping most of  today.  He did get up around 4 this morning.  Was wide awake and turned on every light in the house, except the back bedroom.  Mom asked what he was doing and he told her they had to get ready for all the people that were coming to visit.   She didn't say anything, and just let it go.   He didn't mention it again, and she turned the lights off later in the morning. She did say that when he has been awake today, he has been "snappy".  So, he has been mostly sleeping the last 2.5 days.  If the pattern holds, he should start coming around more tomorrow or Thursday.  Watch out, he might be ready to swear some more!

Sunday Afternoon

Fred, Chad, and I ran up to the folks this afternoon.   When we arrived, dad was in his usual spot and mom was in the family room.  She had "that" look on her face.  They made it to church, but I guess dad dozed and when he woke up, he was disoriented.   Started hitting his fist against his hand, and looked at her like he was angry.  She was afraid he was going to start yelling.  He didn't, though.  When they got home, she suggested he change his clothes.  She was irritated when he came out with his pajamas on.  Told her well, at least he changed.   Suggested that she show him which clothes, and she told me "that doesn't do any good." Said the morning was good, he took a shower without any fight.  She said he gets so smelly sometimes, she can hardly stand it.   Said he just doesn't care.  Reminded her he no longer has the capability to care, he doesn't know what caring means.   Dad didn't know who any of us were, but he did recognize Fred.   Mom came in and sat down and he asked he where she lived.  She told him she lived with him, and it is their 62nd wedding anniversary this week.   I asked him if he remembered getting married, he said yes.  He asked if they got married in the temple, and I told him the SLC temple, and pointed to the picture on the wall.  Nodded his head and said oh yeah.  He asked where I lived, and how long it took to get there.  

Guess there is a lady in the ward who is starting her own business of taking care of aged people.  She told mom she would come in and sit with dad and wouldn't charge her, because she thinks so much of them.   Told mom she needs to take her up on this.  Then the lady told her to keep dad home as long as possible, as have other well-meaning people.   This woman told mom the places just zap your money.   You know, this bugs me when people say this, because they haven't had to deal with Alz.   While I don't like having to put dad somewhere, the physical and emotional toll it takes on mom (and us, at times) is something that can't be described.   Unless you've lived with it, you don't really know.

Talked with mom in the kitchen, and she started crying.  Said it scares her when dad gets that wild-eyed look.  She is afraid he is going to come after her.   Told her if that happens, to call 911, then Eric or Dean.  We talked a little bit and she seemed to cheer up, somewhat.

When we left, she seemed fine, but then said, "You haven't been in here very long. "  Told her I do what I can, we visited for 1.5 hours, and I needed to get home.  She said, "That's not very long at all.".  I apologized, but told her we had to get home.   She then kind of laughed, but I felt extremely guilty all the way home.  Will call her later tonight.

Talked to Gaylord tonite.  Went over there to do Tammy's hair cuz she had another operation.  I gave him the update on Dad and what's in the works.  So he knows.  He talks to Dean once in a while also.

Assessment, Part II

Assessment has been set for Jan 15th.  This will allow us to find out where dad is in the stage of the disease and his cognitive function.  It also gives us a realistic picture of the level of care dad would require.  The more personal care, the more cashola.   I also have heard from 2 separate people that Legacy, which is on Fairfield, is outstanding.  Need to get in to get a tour before we commit to Chancellor.

Assessment Time

Talked with Mom tonight.  Better day today, which is typical.   Told mom about the assessment process, and she agreed to get an assessment scheduled the week of Jan 14th.  The assessment will tell us 2 things:  1) Where dad is in the stages and 2) The level of personal care he would require at the facility.   Once we get the assessment, we will then need to decide if we get on the waiting list.  This would put us on the list for the next open space.   $500.00, fully refundable, if something changes.   Right now, they have no openings, and no one is on the waiting list.   Once we get on the waiting list, we can choose to move forward when they call us, or tell them no.  This does not take us off the waiting list.   I will clarify the 2 week period that I was told about today.  Tomorrow, I will call the facility and get the assessment scheduled.   Fred will be able to go up the day we schedule it.  I will also call the insurance agent of the long term care policy, to find out what documentation will be needed for the insurance company.   We will need to pay out of pocket for 90 days, so on day 91, the insurance will kick in.  The benefit is $80 a day/works out to be $2400. month.   Anything above this amount will come out of pocket.  
Will keep everyone posted on details and updates.

End of One Year, Into Another. What Will 2013 Bring?

Went up to the folks yesterday, Dec 31.  Good day, in that dad was sleeping all the time.  Mom was tired, but not irritable tired, even though they had a restless night.   Dad stayed in his pajamas and slept the whole time.  Mom and I had a good talk, about everything.  I have some phone calls to make this week, looking into scheduling the assessment, and checking on another assisted living place, as well as a day program available in Clinton.   Mom said yesterday that she wasn't ready to put him anywhere.  Reminded her that they have had a couple of good days, but when it turns bad, she is ready.   So....

Called today, Jan 1.  Good night, bad morning.   Dad went to the bathroom and came out - wet on both the front and the back.  He had a big wet spot yesterday,when I was up there, too.   Told him this is 2 days in a row.  She said she thinks he misses.  Uh, no.  Too much to just miss.  He probably waits too long.   Said he was very upset with her, because she suggested he go change.  This was after he sat down in the chair.  He told her no.  She told him to get it done.  He got up and moved over to the couch.  She said she lost it, and him getting more upset is because of her.   I guess they went back and forth a few times, and dad stood up and told her to get out.  Walking toward her and it scared her, because he kept repeating it.  She called Dean to come down.  Dad then sat back down, won't talk to her, won't look at her, won't eat.  She called Dean back and told him never mind.  Dean told her it is time to start looking at places for dad, can't keep doing this.  She told him we are working on it.  Told her to just let dad sit.  In a few hours, fix him something and tell him it is ready.  Don't ask him.  He does better when you just tell him, as questions only confuse him more.  She said it won't do any good.  Reminded her of our conversation yesterday - she is ready today, and seems to lose patience more easily.  She agreed.  Told her to just let him sit, and she can keep herself busy taking down Christmas decorations.   I will call her this afternoon.

This is the same round and round we have been going through.  Mom knows she loses patience, and I think she tries, it is just so foreign to her to have this new relationship.  Fred and I were talking about it, and agreed that they now have the mother/child relationship.   Mom would never have talked to dad the same way when he was the real dad.   He is not capable of having any time of filter on anything, and she seems to have a difficult time understanding this, even though this is part of the Alz, and we have discussed it many times.  

I am like Trent...sigh.   Gotta get something done.  Probably a good idea to call Dean this week, and fill him in more on things, since I don't know how much mom tells him.